I remember when our family was first re-arranging itself after “the divorce”–my children were all in the upper elementary grades or in the beginning years of middle school. As I was so caught up in my own process of the legalities of the separation and divorce, the reality and the logistics, and all the other worries and grief of a newly-single parent, even though I tried to pay attention to what my kids were going through too–I wasn’t always perfect at it. One of the things I didn’t realize until my eldest daughter brought it to my attention, was that they had a hard time finding the vocabulary and words to tell people about their new lives.
For example, where they had previously had one home and one address, they now had two. So, when people asked them where they lived, or which house was their “real house,” it was incredibly confusing and painful. They felt like they would have to betray one of their parents if they claimed one particular house as their “home.” Using words like “visitation” and “custody” really added to the confusion and to making them feel abnormal. I had to learn to put aside my own need to “claim” my children and help them be able to say that they lived with both their mother and their father and that they really had “two homes.” Now, my kids will often say “the other house” or “the other home” regardless of where they are to indicate whatever home they are NOT at.
Instead of talking about “custody,” my ex-husband and I started using the terms “co-parenting” and “co-parents.” Even though we were obviously both parents, the terms just sounded more cooperative and helped our kids see that no matter what, we were going to be parenting together for the duration–even if we lived in separate homes, got divorced and even re-partnered. Since my children’s father has re-partnered, we never use the words “step” or “step-family,” it’s simply more family.
I think taking a good look at the vocabulary and words we are using in our divorce and our post-divorce families can help us give our kids more positive language and the tools to be able to talk comfortably and proudly about their family reality and arrangements.
See Also: Handling Daddy Questions and the Dos and Don’ts of Single Parenting