Earlier this month, I wrote about an adopted child’s adjustment to home and about how grandparents can support the child’s bonding with his/her new parents. I wrote that sometimes grandparents’ eagerness to welcome the child can confuse the child. But what if you have the opposite problem–it seems the grandparents don’t warm to the newly adopted child as readily as to other grandchildren?
In adoption, as when a new baby is born into the family, sometimes one of the best ways family members can help is by caring for an older sibling or siblings and letting the mother and father focus on the new child. This often results in grandparents and older children getting to know each other better than before and feeling a special closeness.
My parents cared for my almost-three-year-old son when my husband and I went to pick up our daughter from Korea. They also invited him to spend a day or a night with them about every two weeks after that. This was wonderful. It gave Patrick special attention and allowed us time to focus on Meg.
Over the next few years, I began to worry that my mother was favoring Patrick. She spoke constantly of his intelligence and kindness and seemed unable to believe that any squabbles between Meg and Patrick might have been initiated by him. I wondered if there was some subtle prejudice she didn’t even know she had, based on race or on adoption.
I eventually realized that my fears were unfounded. I became convinced that the apparent favoritism was simply a result of knowing Patrick better. Meg had been too traumatized and separation-anxious to spend much time with anyone but me, which had been very difficult for my mother. Patrick, on the other hand, had just become old enough to stay at Grandma’s overnight. He charmed my parents with his verbal abilities. Perhaps it’s just natural to feel closest to those we know better. As I was growing up, I knew that my grandparents were closer to the grandchildren who lived near them than to those of us who lived across the country. It didn’t really bother me, because how could it not be so?
This was confirmed for me when our youngest daughter arrived and my parents began to spend the time with Meg that they had spent with Patrick. I heard increasing comments from my mother marveling at perceptive comments of Meg’s and of kind things she had done.
So I would say to other adoptive parents: don’t be too quick to worry that all problems are due to racism or adoption issues. Of course there may be grandparents or relatives who are prejudiced. Maybe they just need some education about adoption issues, maybe not. But sometimes it just takes grandparents a while to get to know a new child as well as the others. Perhaps it takes even a little longer in a child who is anxious about being with others for the first year or so. So, give grandparents plenty of time before expecting a bond to form, and don’t sweat it too much.
Please see these related blogs:
Acceptance of Adopted Children by Extended Family
Not the Acceptance that Was Expected