The dance between parents, grandparents and children can be complicated anyway, but add in the single parent situation and things can get messy. We might be estranged from out children’s “other” grandparents, there may be step-grandparents thrown into the mix, or we may have had to rely on grandparents to help us through a tough transitional time. All of this can make setting healthy boundaries with grandparents as a single parent, a huge challenge.
Many of us do need help from grandparents as single parents—they may help with childcare, living arrangements, or even help out financially. This can be a true blessing for a single parent, but it can also create a situation where the boundaries are not very clear. After all, if the grandparents are contributing financially, or you are living in their home—do they have more of a say with parenting the children? It is necessary to make sure that you have very clear conversations about who does what, and where the responsibilities lie. You might even need to get the arrangement in writing so that there won’t be confusion for anyone (including the children.)
It is also easy to become overly dependent on grandparents and expect too much. Not all grandparents want to be responsible for helping to raise their grandchildren and they can get overwhelmed or burned out if they have to do too much. Respect and consideration are important.
Setting boundaries with step and other grandparents (your ex’s parents, for example) can be even more challenging. There might be all sorts of uncomfortable stuff that exists, or they may harbor anger and resentment over the separation and divorce. It takes many single parents a great deal of work and insight to figure out what is healthy and best for the children and to learn how to establish a new working relationship with their ex in-laws.
If things are really messy in your single parent family, there are family therapists, mediators and counselors who can help with grandparent issues and help you to work through messy boundaries so you can set up a healthy extended family scene that works.
Also: Encouraging Kids to Get Those Stories From Grandparents