As I have been writing about the unique challenges and joys that grandparents bring to the single parent family, I thought it only fitting that I write a bit about step-grandparents. It seems almost inevitable that at least one side of our children’s parentage will re-partners and there could very well be new grandparents that come into the family mix. Some older adults take to grandparenting with ease and gusto, regardless of whether or not the children are related to them biologically or not. Other step grandparents can be more challenging and be less than loving to our children…
There can be some truth to the myth that “steps” just can’t or won’t love step children and step grandchildren like they love their own. But I do believe that there are plenty of step grandparents out there who completely defy that myth. The upside of step grandparents for our children is that they could get even more love, more opportunities for relationships with older adults, and a stronger sense of security and connection. The downside, of course, is that the step grandparents may be inappropriate, harsh, and judgmental, play favorites, or withdraw love and support from those who are not “real grandchildren.” Believe it or not, there are potentially positive lessons for our children in both these situations.
As the parent, we may feel very protective of our children regardless and want to make sure that the interactions are appropriate. It can be hard to share our children with a whole new “family”—after all, most of us think of them as “our” children! While we should definitely know what is going on and help our children learn how to make the best of new step grandparents, we also have to keep our intervention reasonable. After all, our children will need to learn how to form and adjust to relationship outside of our control. With my own children, I have found that frequent conversations and helping them to talk through the relationships with their “step” family has helped them to adjust and to feel that I am a supportive ally who is still involved with their lives—even the part that doesn’t include me.
Also: Grandparent-Single Parent Relations, Part One–Boundaries
Grandparent-Single Parent Relations, Part Two–Relationships