Divorce is the death of a relationship. All of our hopes and dreams for the future are suddenly halted and many wonder how they will ever make it through the pain. Grieving the loss of the relationship, like the loss of a person through death, is extremely important.
Working through the grief over the loss of a relationship can be different for each person, but generally includes the following stages:
Denial
In the beginning, it may be hard to believe that the relationship is over. Denial protects against shock. It insulates from fear about the loss of the relationship and the feelings of rejection, loneliness and depression. Some people react by becoming withdrawn and isolated. Others become highly active to block out the pain.
Bargaining
Thoughts surface about the ways that the relationship may be saved. A parent may ask the other parent to become involved in counseling, to stop engaging in some behavior or to participate in activities together. Some people may make a deal with themselves to do something they believe will save the marriage or help them overcome the loss of the relationship. Children may promise parents to do chores or be good to try to save the relationship.
Anger
The realization hits that needs have not been met in the relationship. Anger surfaces. Anger may be directed toward self or others.
Depression
Admitting that the relationship is over brings sadness. Fear about being alone surfaces. These feelings are draining and make it difficult to think about the future.
Acceptance
In time, adjustment to the changes results in feeling better. Anger, grief and guilt dissolve, and focus on the future becomes possible. Life is more stable and hope emerges.
(Stages of Grief Excerpted from Project Smile)
The stages may occur in any order, and some people may deal with the issues more than once.
It is also important to point out that children also experience grief when their parents divorce. As Gary Sprague, founder of the Center for Single Parent Family Ministry explains:
Children of divorce experience grief in much the same way that survivors of any loss do. Rather than viewing the grief process as a linear progression, it’s helpful to imagine it as a spiral that includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and forgiveness. These stages may present themselves over and over as a child enters different stages of maturity. For example, the anger in a preschool child may show up as increased crying and demand for attention, while in the early elementary years, it may resurface as behavior problems at school. Preschoolers may bargain by promising to “be good” if Mommy or Daddy will come home. Elementary-age children may devise elaborate schemes to bring their parents back together and make promises to God about what they’ll do if God will only answer their prayers for their parents to be together again.
Any stage of grieving that appears to have been resolved can be triggered again as life stages change. The third-grader who seems to have reached a stage of forgiveness for Dad moving away may become intensely angry in fifth grade when Dad’s not there for a school play or soccer tournament. Another change that often provokes a regression in the grief cycle occurs when a parent begins to date. These stages of grief are normal. Children need the freedom to talk about their feelings and thoughts. Give them guidance in how to make good and healthy decisions even when their feelings are spinning out of control.
Give yourself and your children permission to fully grieve. Most people recognize that it takes a minimum of two years to work through the process and begin to heal.