When many parents experience conflicts with their children they are sometimes at a loss as to how to respond appropriately. In their book, Battles, Hassles, Tantrums and Tears, authors Susan Beekman and Jeanne Holmes outlines a strategy they call C.H.O.I.C.E.S.
This technique is a way of effectively handling conflicts between adults and children as well as conflicts between children. C.H.O.I.C.E.S. can be used to set limits and to generate new solutions to old problems. Here’s how the strategy works:
Command by giving clear instructions, specifying what you want the child to do in a non-humiliating way.
Humor or surprise your child by doing or saying something totally unexpected to diffuse a potentially explosive situation.
Offer choices between two options.
Ignore unacceptable behavior.
Compromise by seeking a solution that satisfies all parties.
Encourage problem solving.
Structure the environment by rearranging people or objects to reduce conflict.
C.H.O.I.C.E.S. can be used alone or in combination. The authors also offer several tips when using the technique.
(1) Don’t make parenting decisions when you are very angry. You need time to cool off. It’s perfectly okay to tell your kids that you need time to calm down and think and that you will get back to them later.
(2) It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. You should be firm yet kind and remember to support your child’s self-esteem.
(3) If you have a situation that is a recurring problem (bedtime, getting dressed, etc.) have a plan as to how you will deal with the situation in the future.
(4) Even if it seems like things aren’t improving, keep at it. Kids will test you to see how far they can get and things will invariably get worse before unwanted behaviors decrease.
The authors also give an example of how to apply the technique to a situation you might encounter. Here’s how you would use C.H.O.I.C.E.S. for a child who is constantly leaving his coat and backpack on the living room sofa.
Command: “Pick up your coat and backpack now.”
Humor: Stand waiting patiently like a valet when the child enters the room.
Offer choices: “You can pick up your coat now, or I’ll pick it up and you’ll owe me a job later.”
Ignore: Simply leave the coat and backpack on the sofa and forget about it.
Compromise: Tell the child that you will pick up the coat but they will have to pick up the backpack.
Encourage problem solving: Sit your child down and discuss the issue and then come up with a solution together.
Structure the environment: Place hooks in the room for coats and backpacks.
That’s the basic tenets of the technique, pretty simple really. So the next time you’re in a conflicting situation with your child, don’t worry, you have C.H.O.I.C.E.S.
See also:
7 Keys of Successful Parenting