Today I took my kids, including my newest addition, to story time at the public library. My oldest son loves it. I frequently meet other moms there and get a chance to get out of the house and feel a little “normal”. Or at least, as normal as I can with a new baby around. Today I sat next to a Mom and we started chatting. She had 4 kids (twins in the middle) and her youngest was still a baby, although starting to toddle around. During the conversation, she said that she and her husband were going through a divorce.
I did not necessarily feel sorry for this woman, but I felt compassion toward her. How would she do it all? I wondered as I drove home. I felt grateful for my own marriage and for the help my husband is to me right now with a new baby in the house. I know there are single Moms out there who are able to do it all. I admire them. I’m not sure I’d have the strength, especially with a baby.
How much does your husband help out? Do you sometimes think that he doesn’t do much or that you could frankly do without him? My husband is definitely not perfect, but he helps out a ton. I try not to take that for granted. He works full-time, and comes home and helps out with everything. We usually clean up dinner together, bathe kids together, put them to bed together. We work as a team. And, this helps to ease the burden a lot.
I remember with my first baby, I wanted to do it all. I seldom went out for a night by myself or with friends, and I seldom let him change a poopy diaper. I have realized that this was not good for me, or for him. Dads need to feel needed. It’s easy to take over when you see them struggling to change a diaper, or bathe the baby. But, you should let them figure it out. The last thing they want is to feel like they are just standing around wanting to help, but aren’t needed.
Here are some ideas to help keep your husband happy and wanting to help.
Confide in him. Feeling overwhelmed? Your husband should be the first person you turn to. Let him know that you need a break. Ask him if he feels comfortable giving one to you. If he is scared to take over, talk through what might be bothering him.
Don’t take over. When he is struggling, let him figure it out. If your motherly instincts are too hard to keep quiet, then ask him if he’d like some help, don’t just automatically jump in and do it for him. If he readily says yes, then take the time to show him how you do it, but then add that he can always find what works best for him too.
Have some time for the two of you. We aren’t the best at date nights in our marriage, but I make a point to turn the TV off when he sits down next to me so that there is time to talk. Sometimes we only get a few minutes each day to connect, and it’s easy to let other things get in the way.
Thank him. Saying thank you can go a long way. Sure, it’s just as much his job as yours to take care of the kids, but everyone likes to feel appreciated. I also learned once that having a smile on my face when he walked in the door (no matter what kind of mood I was in) really helped him be more willing to help. If I threw a baby at him and said something along the lines of, “I can’t take it anymore…here, take your kid!” then it set a much different tone for the rest of the evening.
When you have a baby, you need all the support you can get. But, support from your husband is vital to your post baby happiness, and believe me, he wants to be there for you. He may just need a little help feeling like you need him.
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