“Have you always known you were adopted?”
This seems to be the most frequently asked question. I know that my entire adult life, that is the question most often asked of me when someone learns that I was adopted.
Well, yes. I have always known I was adopted. In my earliest memories, I can remember wondering about my biological mother and father, though back then I must honestly admit, when I thought about them, I thought “real mother and real father”.
Let me first clear up any misconception. My biological mother will be the first one to admit that she is not my “real mother”. She is the woman who gave me my roots. She is the one who gave me a chance at a better life. She is not my “real mother”.
My REAL mother is the woman who gave me wings. She is the one who kissed the boo-boo’s, provided the shoulder to cry on and sang to me, laughed with me and cried with me, sometimes all at the same time. She was the one who opened her door to an infant who needed a home, and she is the one that was called “Mommy”.
My REAL mother is my adoptive mother.
That aside, I’d like to discuss my feelings on whether or not a child should know they are adopted or not. And why I feel the way I do.
As I mentioned, I’ve always known. I think I was very young because I was once told about when I was around age five, where I was asking questions about her. So that indicates to me that I’ve pretty much always known.
Do I think adoptees should be told that early.
YES!
My reasoning is pretty simple. It’s a part of who they are, and who they will become. When I was younger I knew I was different. I knew I wasn’t like the rest of my family and I couldn’t understand all of it. But I did know I was adopted. To me it meant that my biological mother could not care for me, so she searched and found someone who could. And those people were my adoptive parents. And they chose me. They wanted me. They picked me.
Those were wonderful self-esteem boosters, especially throughout my preteen and teenage years when we go through identity crisis’ anyway.
I knew I was loved. I felt wanted and chosen, even at times I might not otherwise have felt it.
I think it is important to remember, that someday that child will find out. Even if you don’t want them to know, and you think you can hide it – I’ve had the unfortunate experience of talking and meeting several adoptees who were not told until they were much older – it does more damage the later you tell them.
Because it did not happen to me, I cannot speak for anyone else. But I can tell you that I cannot imagine the pain and anguish that a child/teenager/adult who was not told earlier would go through, finding out the parents you have loved and known all your life, the only parents you’ve ever known, are not your biological parents.
So if you ask me if I think that you should tell your child they were adopted, I say yes. It’s actually a resounding yes.
So adoptees – have you always known?
And adoptive parents – will you tell? Did you tell? And if so, how?
Watch my blog to learn more about me and my position in the triad.