What parent has not experienced the mixed messages of a child? They want us close; they want us to butt out. They need our help, but they don’t want to admit it. As a parent, it becomes a challenging dance to know when to step in, and when to stand off to the side AND to learn how to interact with our children when they are sending us those mixed messages.
The thing with young children is that they tend to be pretty black-and-white thinkers. It is not until a child is nearly grown that he can really tolerate ambiguity and those grey areas. So, for them to understand how irrational they might be feeling or being is probably asking too much. We parents, however, can probably tolerate a bit more than they can and we can set solid boundaries to keep from getting wrapped up in the push-pull drama.
A child may call out for help when he really needs it, but he might also call out when he is tired, frustrated, or just to try to get someone to come to his rescue. As the parent, you will have to determine when help is really needed and when you need to take a step back and not respond. This means we have to get our own ego in check and keep the child’s needs in mind too. Sometimes, the child is calling for help and sending us away just to check and see if we are really there and will really be supportive and available. We see this often in toddlers who are just starting to explore the world. They want to know that mom or dad is nearby “just in case.” We can give our children this reassurance, without swooping in every time they call out.
Expect the child to feel some resentment instead of thankfulness when he calls out for help. This may seem hurtful, but this is one of those times when we parents need to have some tough skin and understand that the child really does want to be independent and what can we do to help facilitate that instead of running to the rescue?
Also: Boundaries 101 For Older Kids (and Their Parents)
Different Ideas About Boundaries