Helping your child deal with your divorce when you are struggling to deal with it yourself is very hard. Children take everything so personally and because they are so young they really don’t understand that everyone around them is hurting as well. Taking the time, through your own pain, to help your children deal with everything will really help them grow up well adjusted, in spite of the divorce.
The most important thing is to make sure your child knows this is not their fault. They need to know that absolutely nothing they’ve done or didn’t do contributed to the divorce. Tell them often that divorce is an adult problem and while you are getting a divorce both of their parents still love them, will always be there for them and want only the best for them.
Never give your children false hope that the separation is temporary. Many times you may say or do things that give them hope, even when that is not what you meant. Do not tell your children that you still love their other parent and are trying to work things out, even if that is true. It will just make it harder if things don’t work out. It’s ok to let your child know that you will always care about their other parent but make sure you tell them as well that the two of you don’t love each other in a way that allows you to be married anymore.
Give your kids time and space to sort out their issues. You may find your child regressing to more childish behavior or becoming very defiant. These are normal behaviors. Do not force your child to talk about it, just let them know that you are them when they are ready to talk.
Try to keep their routines and home life as stable as possible. Routine breeds security and right now that is exactly what your children need.
Remember that you may have to tell your child the same thing over and over before it sinks in. Try telling them the same thing in different ways. We all process things differently so saying things in a different way may hit on the way your child needs to hear it in order to fully understand.
Above all, remind them how much they are loved, by both of their parents and their extended family. Love can heal many wounds.