In marriage, you want to trust that your spouse is honest with you. You want to trust and need to trust that when they tell you something, you can accept it as fact. There are only a few ways to truly destroy that type of trust. The first are lies. Lies breed mistrust because they take options away from one spouse or the other.
When your partner lies to you, whether you discover in the moment they lie or months down the road – they’ve taken away your choices. They have decided that no matter what your reaction to the ‘truth’ would have been, they are not going to let you choose how you handle something.
There may be some valid reason for their lie. Rarely does the lied to spouse agree with the reasons, but if you accept that sometimes there might be a valid reason – like telling your spouse you’re going to hang out with a couple of friends to have coffee. What you’re really planning is a secret shopping trip to pick up some presents. Did you lie? Sure. But you had a valid reason for it and what’s more – your lie does not HURT your spouse.
That’s the key to having a valid reason. If your reason for the lie is that it will hurt them to know the truth, then maybe whatever that truth is – is something you should not be doing. If the truth will really hurt someone, if the facts will really hurt someone, then you are choosing not only to do the injury, but to add the insult by taking away their opportunities to respond to it.
By the same token, being honest with each other does not require you to reveal every single thought you’ve ever had. Nor does it mean you have to mention each and every item in your day. For example, if you talked to a co-worker while grabbing coffee in the cafeteria, you may not mention it. If you have been having lunch with an ex-flame on a regular basis, then your reason for not telling your wife is it may hurt her – then perhaps you should question what you’re doing.
People lie because it’s ‘easier’ than not telling the truth. There really is no other excuse for it. Look at kids. Kids lie to stay out of trouble or to get something he or she wants. Adults do not change that dramatically in their reasoning as they grow up. When you lie to your spouse and justify the lie because the truth would hurt them, what you’re really saying is the truth would hurt you because they would be mad at you.
Still, the other type of mistrust is bred through the keeping of secrets. I’m not talking about keeping your teenage personal life personal or what a close and dear friend told you. Those are not your secrets you are keeping. Imagine, if your husband found out that his best friend was cheating on his wife. He does not tell you because he knows you would tell her and his buddy asked him to keep quiet.
That’s a troubling situation because one marriage’s lies are generating secrets in another marriage. Is the husband right to keep the secret? Should he honor his friend or honor his wife?
The answer to that, I’m afraid is a rather personal one. Admittedly, I’d be more than annoyed if my husband didn’t tell me – but he would be right in saying I would not keep my mouth shut. I’d tell my friend. The best policy in these cases is to not let your marriage be dragged into someone else’s problems.
Keeping secrets does not mean lying. But the secret should not be something that would profoundly disturb your spouse to discover. For example, you smoke, but your partner doesn’t like the habit. So you let him think you quit and you smoke only when he’s not around. That’s a pretty big secret.
What if your partner maintained a relationship with someone you despised? They kept it a secret. Can you imagine the hurt and betrayal both couples would feel when they discovered the secret? I can. It’s not pretty. Sometimes we do things that annoy our spouses and sometimes we disagree with them. But when we keep our behavior a secret and deliberately deceive them – we run the risk of destroying their trust.
Trust is difficult enough to obtain, but trust that is destroyed may never blossom between two people again. The kernel of doubt may be wedged in too tightly. So be aware of the consequences of lies and secrets and remember the negative impact they can have on your life and the lives of those you love.