“Go and never darken my towels again”…Groucho Marx
Has Guestzilla (the king/queen of terrible company) ever paid you a visit? If so, how long did he or she stay and have you ever been the same since? Having houseguests can be like having children. They may be lovable, but they create messes, upset routines and provide the ultimate test of our patience and good graces.
Staying too long runs the closest to that old proverb about fish and guests smelling after three days. A weekend is usually just enough to keep things sane, non-confrontational and refreshing. It may appear to be self evident, almost like another Gettysburg Address, but many people simply don’t know how to be a guest in someone else’s house.
How does one get rid of a pesky houseguest when it is definitely time to pass go and not collect $200 dollars? Tell your guest that someone else will soon be visiting and that they will need the bed. If that doesn’t work, break the bed. It’s desperate, but maybe they will get the hint. Consider the possibility of a bribe. Offer your guest one hundred bucks to leave immediately. Throw in another fifty dollars if they promise never to come back. If your guest arrives in the summer, cut off the air conditioning; in the winter pretend there’s no heat. The only problem is you will suffer too. Maybe consider the option of giving your guest the house and moving into the motel up the road for the duration of their stay. (Only try this after you have attempted to send them there first.)
Some other options might include pretending you are a homicidal maniac. (Keep watching Psycho for realistic instructions.) Start sharpening knives and discussing all the guns you plan to buy in the next few months. Leave sado-masochistic magazines lying all over the house and become enraged over the slightest question or comment. The last alternative should only be considered if all of the above fails. Set fire to the house. You’ll lose everything, but at least your guest or guests will be forced to find another place to stay!
If all of this fails, you are on your own. It might be the time to consider selling your house with built-in ready-made houseguests. (I understand the Duke and Duchess of Windsor did this for a living for many profitable years.) Cheer up. You might even find another place to stay deep in the mountains or along the rivers where no one can ever find you. A place without a post office is best and a phone and television should be optional. Learn to fish and build fires. One thing is certain. The ones you catch in the stream won’t live long enough to smell bad after three days!
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