Can I ask you a question? Just one question…? How on earth am I supposed to say yes or no to a child I have never actually met?
As I mentioned the other day, we have been presented with a potential match. We had some questions, and we had some concerns.
We were initially given what they call a “child study” on this girl. The child study is similar to the home study, but while the home study is the information on an adoptive or foster family, the child study is a document containing information about the child. Based on that information, which was really just basic background information, we were to decide whether we wanted to discuss her further with her case worker.
We went ahead with that step, figuring we could gather more information and make a more informed decision. We talked with the case worker this morning.
I don’t feel more informed. I still feel as though I have basic, surface information. It’s information that really cannot be used to make a decision one way or the other.
Tom and I talked our way through so many scenarios. Risky sexual behavior, drugs, alcohol, defiance, attachment disorders, disabilities… we went through the class, we completed the home study… what are the odds we would be presented with a situation we did not consider?
Well… we have been presented with a situation we did not consider, and we’re at a loss as to what to say or do. I don’t think I have ever been so conflicted in my life. On the one hand, this adoption could be the best thing for this girl; on the other hand, it could turn out to be an absolute disaster. There is no way to know unless we go forward, but going forward could turn out to be a huge mistake.
We felt prepared going into this meeting. We had decided what questions and concerns we wanted addressed, and we addressed them all.
I still don’t feel informed. I’m still conflicted.
I can’t help but think that it’s not possible to make a truly informed decision until we have met the child. Information on a piece of paper and facts shared during a phone call really don’t tell you who she really is and how she really feels.
But we can’t meet the girl unless we make the decision to go forward…
We don’t want to approach her as potential adoptive parents and then decide against the adoption. That would only reinforce everything she has already been shown, that she is not wanted, she is not loved, she is not worth caring for.
So it makes sense that we not meet her until we are sure…
But how can we be sure if we don’t first meet her??