When you and your children are in conflict how do you usually handle it? Are you a director, collaborator or perhaps you’re an avoider? In Battles, Hassles, Tantrums & Tears, authors Susan Beekman and Jeanne Holmes list five styles of solving conflict that most parents fall into. Read on to see which type of parent you are.
(1) Director- This type of parent tells their children what to do, in fact, demands that their children do what they think is right. It is useful when an immediate action is needed or when a child needs a clear limit. If you direct all the time, however, your children will not learn to make decisions for themselves.
(2) Collaborator- This type of parent works with their children to explore the disagreement and find solutions to the problem that will satisfy all parties. This is especially useful when you need to make a decision that addresses the concerns of everyone involved. It also teaches kids problem solving and empathy. However, it is too time-consuming for minor decisions or when you are in a hurry.
(3) Compromiser- This type of parent finds quick middle ground solutions so that both parent and child gets what they want. When everyone involved cannot come up with a solution or when you have to make a decision on a minor problem, being a compromiser works well. However, some of the risks associated with this style is that you may not get at the underlying root of problems and you won’t be able to please everyone.
(4) Accommodator- This type of parent yields to their child’s point of view and does not assert their own wishes. This style is useful when you realize that you are wrong or when you just want some peace and harmony. On the con side, being an accommodator all the time means ongoing problems will not be addressed.
(5) Avoider- This type of parent prefers to avoid all types of conflict by either withdrawing from the situation, distracting attention from the issue or postponing the issue until a later time. Although at first I couldn’t see any pros to this type of style after reading on I understood where the authors were coming from. For instance, it buys you time to make a plan for handling a conflict and it allows you to put off a confrontation until a later more appropriate time. But if done too often you may end up never getting at the root of issues.
Most parents use one or more style depending on the situation. I like to think that I am a compromiser but the truth is I am probably more of a director. What about you?
See also:
Staying Calm When Your Kids Are Misbehaving