Yesterday, I wrote about the benefits of being able to stay calm, neutral, and collected during moments when disciplining our children is order. As I wandered through my day of work, parenting, and dealing with friends and acquaintances, I couldn’t help thinking about communicating AS A WHOLE–particularly, just what it takes to be able to communicate with others when we’re feeling under stress, pressure, annoyed or aggravated. How often are we expected to be able to cope and communicate with our children when we are NOT feeling calm and collected?!
I am of the opinion that communicating under stress and pressure is a special skill set that can be practiced and honed. It’s tough! Have you ever found yourself flabbergasted or mumbled incoherently because you were so frustrated and upset? I had a grandmother who used to say that she “was so mad, she was spitting nails,” and that can be how it feels trying to get your point across when emotions get in the way. The first challenge becomes trying to get ourselves calm enough to have a coherent conversation or interaction.
I think I’ve confessed before that I am a “backwards counter”–I tend to count backwards, either out loud or under my breath when I feel myself getting so agitated that communication is going to be a challenge. I know other folks who go for walks, shut themselves up in a bathroom, draw or write in a journal, wash dishes (cleaning can be a big calming activity for many people), or some other task to get calm before tackling the issues at hand. But, sometimes, we’re expected to be able to communicate in the stressful or pressure-filled moment and we don’t get a break to “collect our thoughts.”
Years ago, one of my children’s preschool teachers told me that her solution for communicating under pressure was to develop a few “go to” phrases and words she could use when things were stressful. They were really classic “active listening” statements such as “I am feeling unhappy with what you are saying/doing and I need to have five minutes to collect my thoughts on this.” I’ve tried various versions in work and parenting situations, “I’m not sure I understand what is happening here and I need a few minutes to process and think things through.” It helps buy me a little time to get myself collected and get my thinking clear.