As parents, we can get quite alarmed with what we think is immoral behavior in our children—lying and stealing are two behaviors that can be big triggers for a great many parents. What seems incredibly obvious and “wrong” to us, however, may be a concept that our child has either not grasped developmentally yet, or that takes a while for the lessons to truly sink in.
While we begin correcting and trying to teach our children right from wrong from a very early age, and we certainly want to try to correct them when they lie and/or take something that doesn’t belong to them from the age of three or so—we cannot expect them to fully comprehend and be able to make moral judgment and decisions until they are older. This does not mean we should make excuses or allow our children to get away with these unsavory behaviors, but it does mean that we need to have some understanding, persistence and consistency in our lessons.
We can also expect that some of the “grey” areas will be confusing for a child. For example, why is it lying when the child says her room is cleaned up when it isn’t but it is considered all right for us to call in sick to work when we just don’t want to go? When it comes to stealing, it can be incredibly hard for children to learn what does and does not belong to them and why they cannot just take those things that they really, really want. A child of four or five just may not grasp why we get so upset when they take something from the next door neighbor’s yard since in their mind, it is free for the taking. Some children don’t fully grasp all the subtleties of stealing until they are much older (which is one of the reasons I think that shoplifting is such a common “right of passage” for so many children.) Some children use stealing as a way of pushing boundaries and testing adults and seeing what they can get away with. Our job as parents is to be firm, consistent, and keep the consequences coming until the lessons sink in—whether this takes a few times or a few years. Every child is different.
Also: Borrowing Vs. Stealing