The State adoption process, and in some cases international adoption process, itself promotes incomplete claiming of the child. Potential adoptive parents are often encouraged to meet the possible adoptive child before making a commitment to adopt that particular child. International adoptive parents are often required to make more then one visit to country and meet with the child they are matched with before the actual pick-up trip.
Approved State adoptive parents may be invited to attend “Adoption Parties” where waiting children are given barbecues, pizza parties or picnics in parks and potential adoptive parents are invited to meet, talk, and play with the waiting children. Parents are able to attend anonymously and decide if any of the children might be a good fit for their family. The implications to the adoptive parents are counter productive to the process of claiming for several reasons:
- Most parents have no control over the child they receive and have to accept the one they give birth to. Newborn adoptive parents generally take what they get and are happy to have been chosen by the birthmother. But, for some reason adopting an older toddler or child means parents get to choose their child.
- Adoptive parents are given the feeling that matching and finding a placement includes issues such as what a child looks like, or if their personalities appear to mesh well with the possible parents.
- The issue of whether the parents “Hit it Off Well” with a child are measured and considered as part of the process in finding a child to adopt.
- Adoptive parents are given the message that selection of a child might include such things as how the child feels about school or what the child does and doesn’t like.
The process of adopting a toddler or older child allows the parents, to decide if they are willing to make a commitment to the child in part, based on superficial issues. These kinds of matches tend to establish a very shaky foundation for the child once they are placed in the home with the parents. When a child turns out to be “different” from the child the parents thought they had met or viewed, the natural response for the parents is to pull away. Some parents withdrawal their emotional commitment to the child on the basis of misrepresentation.
The ability for the adoptive parents to complete the claiming of the child is further damaged by the six-months to a year wait between placement and finalization. Originally, this waiting period was put in place as a legal trial period and placement supervision procedure in order for the state to be sure the placement was safe and stable for the child.
The post placement waiting and supervision period can work against the claiming process for the adoptive parents. During this time there is an implied time span before a complete and legal commitment to the child has to be made. Parents have a notion that they can check and see if the child really fits into the family during this period. And sadly, many parents who are unable to claim the child as their own choose to disrupt the adoption prior to finalization.
The process of matching, transition and post placement supervision also gives a child an inappropriate responsibility for making an adoption work. This will be the topic of the next blog.
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For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.