Whenever I hear couples brag that they never argue I’m actually not impressed. First of all, I find it hard to believe but even if it is true, I actually don’t think that is healthy. We all have to eventually address difficult issues in our lives.
Now of course I’m not saying that you should be having some good knock-down, drag-it-out fights. However I do believe you can argue with integrity.
Think about what the word integrity means. According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary it means a “firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values.” I really like the part “artistic values.”
When you think of art, you think of creativity. Well I think we need to be creative when it comes to arguments. It’s no big deal to throw out some hurtful comments or to attack a person rather than an issue. But it takes creativity—it takes integrity—to disagree with one another without tearing the person down.
Why do so many of us hit below the belt when we are arguing with our spouses? When I recall our earlier years of marriage I know that my goal was to hit him where it hurt. I wanted him to feel pain. I wanted to get him where I knew I would feel like I had some leverage.
In some ways it’s about gaining control over a situation or a person. I wanted to be right, I wanted my way and I wasn’t willing to give up that control. But that isn’t what makes for a healthy marriage.
If you want to argue with integrity then don’t take personal pot shots at your spouse. Don’t attack their character. Don’t say “You always” or “You never.” Don’t point fingers. Don’t raise your voice. Don’t bring up past mistakes. Don’t get off topic. Don’t walk away from the argument. Don’t threaten.
It is almost impossible to not calm an argument if you choose to respond with integrity. When you lower your voice, keep things on track and stick to the issue at hand your spouse is more likely to follow suit.
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