Grudges and marriages do not happy partners make. Not everyone carries a grudge, but many of us may whether we are aware of it or not. When you carry a grudge, you invite the grudge and the negativity associated with it to move into your marriage with you and your spouse.
When you invite a grudge into your relationship, you add the variety of spice that are paybacks, petty remarks and revenge. The negativity on both sides is far from constructive and loving – carrying a grudge is not in the vows you took to get married and the disharmony it generates can be the reason your marriage dissolves.
Finger Pointing
At one time or another, you or your spouse will do something that can be perceived injurious or hurtful to the other. Forgiveness may be difficult, but getting angry about the injury and carrying that injury around like a badge and waving it like a flag does not help you or your spouse.
Men can offer payback for a perceived slight by neglecting household chores and repairs. They can let the yard go, taking a slightly perverse joy in their spouse’s unhappiness over it. By the same token, a wife may withhold sexual relations because he’s been so neglectful of the chores.
If you are guessing this can become a vicious cycle, you’re right. In fact, the viciousness is so distinct that a couple can find their marriage disrupted but never really pinpoint what actually started the cascade effect.
We should never take pleasure in paying our spouse back for a slight, real or perceived. From the silent treatment to petty revenge, none of these actions will help resolve the issue or repair the healed feelings. Instead of a grudge, we need forgiveness. Instead of revenge, we need repairs. Instead of anger, we need love. Instead of fury, we need understanding.
The Heat of the Moment
The heat of the moment is a difficult place for any couple to be. That’s why it’s best to never make decisions in the heat of the moment. That’s why it’s better to take a deep breath before saying something in the heat of the moment. But even if you can’t manage to cool down the heat of the moment, don’t leave the actions or grudges between you to start the cycle of paybacks.
Loving, honoring, caring for and respecting are never about revenge and payback. Ultimately, forgiving and letting go of a grudge is as much about you as it is about the spouse you are forgiving. After all, when you are angry and carrying a grudge – you are far from happy, satisfied or joyful.
Do you have a tendency to hold a grudge?
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