Scientists have been pondering this question for years. There was Frankenstein’s Monster, which, you may not know, was actually built for Mrs. Frankenstein. She kept begging her husband to invent the perfect man, and he tried, but we all know how that experiment turned out.
Then there was artificial genetic mutation. See, the scientists thought that maybe if they took the components of a few really good men and put them together, they could accomplish perfection, but it didn’t work. They ended up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who were all male, but they weren’t human, and they weren’t adults, they were teenagers.
So then came the cloning experiment. What no one knows, and what I’m revealing to you today, is that the scientists didn’t start out trying to make an identical sheep. They were trying to make a perfect husband, something exploded in the laboratory, they got a sheep instead, and decided that to save face and to keep from losing their funding, they’d pretend that’s what they’d been after the whole time.
Of course we all realize that science, while often useful, is also often wrong. The perfect husband cannot be created in a laboratory, no matter how handy such an invention might be, or how much we might pay for it. So what is the real answer?
An Italian grandmother might suggest that the way to his heart is through his stomach, and she would encourage liberal application of spaghetti at regular intervals.
Dr. Phil might encourage some sort of televised intervention wherein you all discuss your feelings about perfection in general, manhood in particular, and how they relate to each other.
The Dalai Lama might suggest that if the two of you were to sit together on a mountain, your souls would mesh into one and you would achieve perfect harmony, which is better than any other form of perfection.
You can feed him full of pasta and chant with him on a mountaintop, but I believe the very best way to create the perfect husband is to love him, perfectly. That might take a little while, and then it might take a little while for him to respond. But Rome wasn’t built in a day, and all good things take time, as two old adages go. And you’ll have plenty of spaghetti to eat in the meantime, so you won’t starve …
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