A sibling is defined by the Webster’s Dictionary as a gender-neutral term for a brother or a sister. When you decide to have a second, third and even the fourth child, you have to keep the older siblings in mind. You have to plan for how to handle the new baby in context with the other children and you have to remember, your older children will have feelings on the subject.
There are three things to remember when you have a second child, particularly if the difference in ages is significant:
· Jealousy is normal.
· Push-Pull is normal.
· Resentment is normal.
Those feelings are very normal for older siblings to feel. It’s also normal for older children to question whether or not you still love them, especially when they compare your behavior to the baby versus your behavior towards them. While another adult will see the increased attention a baby needs as reasonable because a baby needs a lot of attention, the older sibling may see it as ‘look what the baby gets and I’m supposed to just be quiet.’
On Friday, we talked about ways to avoid favorites and how to get older children involved with the new baby, but there’s more to keep in mind when you have children rather than just a child. You and your spouse will take on new roles as referees, negotiators, mediators and judges. You can never take sides, play the comparison card or be there 100% of the time.
You have to be the neutral party, you have to stay calm and hang on to your sense of humor. If your children are under the ages of four or five, it’s a bad idea to leave them unsupervised. It’s safer for both to keep an adult on hand. However, as they grow older especially when they are in the same age range (2 to 3 year split) you’ll want to let them resolve some of their own disputes.
It’s important to let them manage negotiations on their own, but you also have to keep them from hitting each other. If you have criticisms of one child or the other, don’t do it in front of the other child. It’s also good to maintain a no name-calling rule. You can’t call them names and they can’t call anyone else names.
When your older child asks you if you still love them, don’t brush the question off. Sit down and very clearly let them know that you still love them. That your feelings have not changed. Ask them how they are feeling and listen to them. If they are simply missing you, chances are good you are missing them too. Make plans together and stick to it.
There are always going to be situations where something will come up, but try to make those the exception and not the rule. It’s key that both you and your spouse maintain a high level of involvement with both or all children. Yes, the more kids you have, the more time it can take but it’s worth it. You’re getting to know all of these great kids and you want your oldest sibling to appreciate the new baby that’s showing up and not to resent it.
Remember, when you get to the third child, your oldest sibling has been down this road before, but your second child hasn’t. You’re going to have to focus on both of them to help them adjust and remember – while your children will eventually develop bonds of their own that will help them negotiate the rocky road of social interaction, until then they need your love, your support and your guidance.