How to listen? Don’t we all listen to our children whine, groan, complain, argue, giggle, squeal, and pretend all day long? Yes, of course. But there’s a difference between hearing and listening. And often we parents need to be reminded what listening really means. We sometimes wonder why our children don’t confide in us or why we feel disconnected with them. Improving our listening skills can create stronger bonds and build trust between us and our kids. In conjunction with my previous blog, “Brother for Sale.” Helping Kids Cope with their Sibling’s Disability, I’ve tried to present ways that we can be better listeners for our sons and daughters.
I certainly could use a brush-up course in listening. My problem is that I spend a great deal of time writing on my laptop, which is somehow invisible to my children. They’ll talk to me about everything under the sun while I sit, sometimes in deep concentration, only partially participating in the conversation. I’ve become skilled at inserting random comments, nodding, and saying, “Ummm hummmm,” but I’m certainly not actively listening in those moments. When I’m only “half-there” for my children, they begin to feel emotionally neglected.
The Attitude of Active Listening
Active listening starts with an attitude. To be a good listener, go into the conversation with the following mind-set:
1. You must truly want to hear, and have the time to hear what your child has to say. If you can’t fully listen at that moment, it’s best to say so. “I really want to hear what you have to say, but I’ve got to have this article finished by two o’clock. Can we meet back at that time, so I can give you my attention?” Whenever possible, try to put your child’s needs before your routine tasks.
2. You must want to be helpful and have a positive, agreeable attitude. If you’re irritable or anxious about other personal problems, your listening skills will be impeded.
3. You must be willing to accept your child’s feelings, even if you disagree with them. Accepting your child’s feelings does not mean you take them as your own. You are simply allowing your child the right and entitlement to feel what she does, even if the feelings seem exaggerated or misplaced.
4. You need to believe that your child has the ability to solve his own problems. This is a tough one for parents to master. Often we go in with the attitude that “my child can’t solve problems without me, or if he tries, he’ll do it wrong.” Try to take the position that you are there to give gentle guidance and encouragement so that your child can resolve things for himself. Trust that your child can do it.
The Skills of Active Listening
1. Listen for the basic message your child is conveying. Really try to find the main point, and silently identify the emotions behind them.
2. Restate or reflect back to your child with a concise summary, the basic content and feeling of your child’s statements. “It sounds like you were really nervous about that math test today, and now you’re afraid you didn’t get a good grade.”
3. As you reflect the message back to your child, watch for body language that shows you “got” it. Often when you get the emotion right, the child’s face will show satisfaction, pleasure, and peace. If you’re not able to tell whether you reflected back correctly, ask. “Am I right? Is that how you’re feeling?”
4. Allow your child to correct you if you didn’t quite get it. “No, I wasn’t afraid, I was mad that we had to take the test today. We were supposed to have two more days to study.” Reflect back the corrected emotion. “So you felt anger that the test was moved to an earlier day without any warning?”
Using active listening skills takes practice, and it’s important not to sound mechanical or like you’re using a formula for talking to your child. Just remember to uncover the hidden emotion, and reflect. Children desperately want to be understood, especially by their parents. By demonstrating that you care enough to actively listen, you are giving your child a strong foundation for self-esteem and a deeper sense of personal well-being. Remember that you don’t need to forcefully interject your opinions and solve your child’s problems. Make suggestions, but stand back and give your child a sense of control over his life.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here.