Who likes to fight? None of us. In fact, for all that I enjoy a good debate or a healthy exchange of differing opinions – I don’t like to fight. I really don’t like to fight with my husband. The majority of fights we have had – at least in my opinion – are largely due to a failure to communicate. Either one of us misunderstands or miscommunicates something and the other reacts and wee – we’re off to the races.
A miscommunication can be as simple as indicating that you want to improve your job options. Maybe you want to go back to school because then y ou can diversify in your field and eventually bring in a higher paycheck. It sounds pretty reasonable, right? What your spouse may hear is that you don’t have enough money and they aren’t doing enough to help out and that’s why you have to go and do these things.
But that’s not what I meant …
Perception is a huge part of communication and whether you said something or meant something, it’s important to remember that what you say or mean is not necessarily what someone else hears. We can practice using clear language and we can keep the doors of communication open by not assuming. This means that if one spouse thought the other felt they weren’t doing enough – don’t assume – ASK.
It’s impossible not to run into conflicts when two or more people live in close proximity. They are going to happen. It’s important to learn to think before you speak and to not assume that what you said is always what the other person is going to hear. By the same token, if what you are hearing is pretty offensive – then don’t assume that’s what they meant – ask them.
Our own perceptions, our feelings – even our sense of guilt – can very much color what we hear. If you are having a bad day and your spouse is having a bad day – you can almost guarantee there is going to be a conflict of communication at some point in time that day.
Don’t Walk on Eggshells
By the same token, you shouldn’t be walking on tip toes over eggshells with each other. Just be fair and be honest with your spouse and with yourself. There’s nothing wrong with saying : I don’t understand what you mean – can you clarify that?
Or:
I’m hearing that you’re frustrated with the finances – is it because you feel I am not making enough?
Or even better:
I’m not sure – but it feels like I am being blamed for the situation.
These are pretty non-aggressive responses and they are looking for an answer and to keep the doors of communication open. Sure – it can still escalate, because avoiding a fight needs both parties to participate in the effort. It’s also true that there are going to be issues that are far more important to you or your spouse than they are to the other.
It’s a push and pull of learning to respect, to listen, to hear, to think and to respond – and it takes practice.
How do you and your spouse avoid fighting?
Related Articles:
Our Not So Irreconcilable Differences
Do You Know How to Fight Fairly?