As I mentioned earlier, I’m feeling bad about having said no to a few commitments this week. I love my friends, and enjoy helping them, and don’t like to feel like I’m letting them down.
But sometimes, you just have to say no. Sometimes you’re over-committed, sometimes it’s just something you don’t want to do, sometimes you just can’t fit it into your schedule. Still, all those reasons don’t necessarily make it any easier to say no — especially when it’s a friend doing the asking.
Here are some tips to help make it a little easier to say no.
Number one: When you’re asked, don’t answer right away. Say, “can I get back to you on that?” or “let me check my schedule” or “I can’t talk right now, can I call you in an hour?” Then think about a few things. Can you fit it into your schedule? Do you have the peripheral stuff that will allow you to say yes (like gas money, plans for child care, etc). You can really think about whether or not you can do what you’re being asked, without the pressure of the other person right there waiting for an answer.
Number two: Offer a compromise. I was asked to help with babysitting duties overnight this week. Because of how far away the friends live and how early I get to work in the morning, I said I couldn’t stay overnight but I could come help for a few hours in the evening if that would be useful. That’s a compromise that would be beneficial to my friend (she gets an extra pair of hands before bed) and to me (I get to sleep in my own bed and leave for work at my normal time, instead of sleeping in an unfamiliar bed and having an hour’s drive to work).
Number three: Offer an alternative. Sorry, I can’t do X but I can do Y instead, if you like. In the case of my friend, I could offer an overnight on a day when I’m not working the next morning.
Number four: Offer a trade. I’ll do X for you if you help me with Y. If the other person isn’t able to help you with whatever Y is, then you can maybe feel less guilty about saying no to X.
Number five: Be honest. I ended up backing out on the evening babysitting… between the hour’s drive to my friend’s house (and another hour back) and the early morning the next day, it just seemed like a bad idea for me. It would end up being a stressful evening, instead of a chance to enjoy some time with my friend and her awesome kids. I just explained that I’d over-committed myself for this week, and had to bail. She was more than understanding.
Number six: Remember that the world doesn’t end if you say no. The world doesn’t end if you say yes, either. But there are very few decisions that you can’t change your mind on — it might be embarrassing to have to backtrack, but try to think about the big picture. Your friends probably won’t hate you. Your family probably won’t disown you. In the grand scheme of things, the only person who might remember you changing your mind… is you.