When I started out on the road of parenting, I was determined I was going to do everything right (I was young, and still quite convinced I could do such a thing if I put my mind to it)–I was going to be pleasant and patient and never threaten or lose my temper with my children. As the young mother of preschoolers, I used to joke when they were being particularly challenging that I was “going to send them down to the minors”–my playful reference to sending them down to the minor leagues until things improved and they could come back up to the big leagues. I thought I was being terribly clever and non-threatening. One day when my eldest daughter was about four, she had been snoozing in the car while we were running some errands and she woke up as I was pulling into an unfamiliar parking lot. She burst into sobbing tears, crying “No, I’ll be good!” When I got to her and settled her down, she confessed that she thought I had finally brought her to “the Minors” and was going to leave her off. I was horrified and felt like the worst mom ever! It was there and then that I realized how insecurity and not-knowing can contribute to my children’s fears–even when I think I am being an attentive and loving parent.
In order to feel safe and secure, our kids need to know that we are solidly in charge, and they also need to feel that we are honest, competent, and capable. If we over-share about grown-up troubles with our children or say things like “I don’t know where our next meal is coming from”–even if it is in passing or as a joke, there is no guarantee that the child won’t take it literally. I learned my lesson that everything is probably taken literally until children are much older–their brains don’t really work like an adults and they can’t get the jokes, abstract comments, or know that we don’t really mean what we say until they are much older. Saying something like “We’re going to the poorhouse” can cause incredible fear and worry for a young child.
Watch what you say to your kids–especially during times of stress and crisis. They are already feeling the insecurity of the crisis and will pick up on anything disconcerting you might say and it will only add to their fears.
Also: Working to Heal Old Wounds
Expecting Too Much During Times of Crisis and Transition