Thank you to Karina who has shared her personal and sad story in the most public way. Megan
I have four children, three girls and one boy. My husband died suddenly and I moved towns to live with my mother and step father. My mother married my stepfather when I was in my early teens. I have five full blood sisters and a half brother to my mother’s second marriage. I would have said we were a great blended family, supportive of each other, until my daughter disclosed that my stepfather was sexually abusing her.
My older girls had attended a sex education class at school. They thought it was funny and kept making jokes about it. To try to help them understand how important it was to know about all this sex stuff, I got a book from the library and we had a round the table family talk about all issues to do with girls growing up.
We were looking at pages about sexually transmitted diseases and talking about the importance of having sex in committed relationships. There was a horrible picture of a person who was dying from Syphilis. Although I am against scaring children, I am now so glad that my daughter saw that picture.
She was only six. Being very interested in what her older sisters were learning, she just had to join the conversation and see the pictures. She started screaming, “I’m going to die. I’m going to die.” I was very confused and angry because she was screaming so much, and kept telling her to settle down. My mother was patient and asked Alice why she was going to die.
In hysterics, Alice told us all that Poppy was doing sexy disease things with her and now she was going to die. At that moment, I thought I was off to join my husband in heaven too. I really thought I was going to die. I handled the situation by fainting. I had no idea of what had been happening. No hints, no suspicions. Nothing.
My mother was wonderful. She looked after Alice and looked after me. She asked many questions and stayed very calm. One of my daughters kept saying that Alice was a liar. My other daughter ran away into her bedroom crying. My son cuddled Alice and clung to me asking what was going to happen.
My stepfather drove in. Calmly, my mother greeted him in the carport. She told him he was no longer welcome in our home. He asked what had happened. She said, “Nothing, I just don’t want to be married to you anymore.” He started screaming, calling my children every name under the sun. It’s funny you know, looking back now, no mention had been made of the children or what Alice had said, he made himself guilty by accusing the kids of telling stories against him.
After my stepfather drove off at full speed (how I wished he’d had an accident and killed himself), my mother came and asked me if she could call the police. I nodded. I was in shock still. I was amazed that I’d never picked up on anything. I just could not believe that my darling baby had been sexually abused by a trusted grandparent and right under my face.
The police came around and talked to everyone. Alice was interviewed alone. I had no idea what she said and I still don’t want to read the paper with all her words on it. There was a court case and my stepfather was found guilty of ten counts of different types of sexual abuse against Alice. My poor mother. During the court case, she discovered that her husband had been charged with sexual abuse of a child many years before she had met him. Her heart must have been broken, but she stood by me and the kids and never once tried to explain away his behavior.
Two of my sisters flatly refused to accept that he had done it. It split our family up. To this day, they visit our stepfather (he’s out of jail now) and have nothing to do with either my children or myself. My eldest daughter that had originally called Alice a liar has since disclosed that Poppy used to do very bad things to her too. The police interviewed her, but they said that it probably wouldn’t stand up in court and that even if it did, it wouldn’t get him any jail time. My half-brother has also finally disclosed sexual abuse by his father and the police are still working on it. I hope that my older daughter’s disclosure can now be used in my brother’s case.
My mother died while he was in jail – before their divorce came through. She had cancer and never told us until the end. She must have known how sick she was when we came back to live with her but she placed more importance on looking after us than she did on herself. My mother was an amazing woman. She believed my daughters against her own husband and two of her own daughters. I am glad that she’s not here to hear what her husband did to their son. In her absence, I will fill the role that she filled for me. I will believe, support and help my brother.
I had no idea that my stepfather was a child abuser. I ask for all parents and grandparents to please believe their children if they say anything about family members touching them. The secrets around sexual abuse are so strong. If only we’d known that, he had abused other children, I would NEVER have put my own children at risk by having them near him.
Note from Megan: All names and place information have been changed to protect the identity of this family. This story has been posted now as a contribution, by this mother, toward Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Thank you to her. This is a VERY DIFFICULT topic for parents to talk publicly about.