There is a great deal of psychology that goes along with parenting–and it is not just child psychology. We have to dig down and understand some of our own issues and personal psychology in order to be effective, present, parents. It is quite easy to blame our children for all the tussles and miscommunication, but the fact is, we bring our own triggers and issues into our interactions with our children too.
If you can identify your own triggers, you may be able to maintain control and be less likely to get into power struggles with your children. Additionally, owning up to your own triggers can provide very good modeling for your children and help them to see you as the mature adult. We are always showing our kids what being an adult, as well as a flawed human being, is all about.
As an example, I get triggered strongly by a few behaviors–one is lateness and tardiness. I’ve done a lot of work on letting go and understanding that for many people, being on time is not a big deal. So, I feel like I have to own up to the fact that when my kids are late or tardy or don’t show up on the clock, I get triggered. This doesn’t excuse the fact that they are expected to make curfew, but since it is a big trigger for me, my reaction can be disproportionate to the “crime.” Since I know this about myself, I can prepare my reaction and get myself under control in advance.
For other parents, food, messiness, clothes, hygiene, language, dawdling, etc. might all be triggers. The trick is to dig down and figure out why–is it because of your own childhood, personality, or is it a mirror of your own issues? By identifying the triggers that send you to the moon, you can get them under control. When we lose control or react inappropriately, it gives our child the “upper hand.” In reality, our children may figure out our triggers before we do! We can learn to say to ourselves and our kids, “I’m getting triggered by your refusal to comb your hair. It reminds me of…” or just identifying that we are getting triggered and removing ourselves from the power struggle might be all that is necessary. We can then come back when we are calm and composed. This teaches our kids that we are owning and controlling our own emotions and NOT giving away our power to them when we get triggered.
Of course, just because we are parents does NOT mean we are perfect or robots. Still, working on identifying our triggers and working on having appropriate reactions can help us be better parents.
See Also: Discovering Your Parent’s Intuition
Letting Go of the Need to Always Be Right
Focusing on Problems or Solutions