I can easily refer to myself as a single parent, but I have a hard time thinking of myself as a single person. I’ve talked to some other single parents who have confessed to the same feeling. Partly, I think it is because being uncoupled or un-partnered as an older person with children feels a great deal different than being young and single, or not having any dependents or other people with whom we are sharing our lives. I may check “single” or “divorced” when I fill out forms, but I really feel more like the “head of the household…”
I think it can be tough to feel fully single as a solo parent simply because you are not living a life purely for your own pleasures and needs–there is at least one other person with whom your life is entwined and this is a factor in any socializing or dating you might do. In my case, I am seldom alone–living in a household with three other nearly grown people (and two cats) means that there is almost always someone who needs my attention. I have to take my kids’ schedules into consideration when I make plans and I know that anyone I might meet or date or invite to Sunday supper is going to have to interact with four people instead of just one. That doesn’t feel very singular to me!
I also understand that part of my not being able to self-identify as single is because others don’t really see me that way. People who meet me are likely to see me as a solo parent or a mom or a forty-year-old divorced woman–not as someone single and available. Maybe that’s it–I don’t seem or feel available since I’ve got plenty to keep me occupied? Maybe, some day, when my kids are grown and gone, I’ll feel more like a single person. But then, the days of grandparenthood will be upon me (I hope) as my family grows and it might be even harder for me to think of myself as unattached and “free”?
Also: Are You Over Fifty and Dating?