I believe there are things we say as parents that we might not even realize we are saying–either we have absorbed them from our own upbringing, or we get caught up in the moment and say these things. If someone were video-taping or recording us and we saw our own behaviors or language played back to us, we might be horrified. One of the things I hear parents say as a means to motivate their child is: “You would do XYZ, if you loved me” or “Don’t you love me enough to…(get good grades, clean your room, etc.). When you see it written out, I’m sure all sorts of flashing lights are going off in your brain and you can SEE why it isn’t a good idea, but still we say things in the heat of the moment without even thinking about it…
Make a connection between behavior and love is never good. A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional and we can send all sorts of unhealthy messages to our children when we tell them that they only love us if they do what we want, or that we ill love them more if they do what we want them too. Even if we KNOW we aren’t serious, and are just trying to find a way to motivate a child, the child hears the message that love and actions are inexplicably linked and that we are defining what “acts” the child can do in order to prove or earn love.
So, watch out for even playful things like “Oh you must really love me if you brought home this report card” or “Suzy must love her mom by the way she did in the soccer game.” You can see how prevalent these sorts of statements can be and how a parent might say something similar without even realizing it? Of course, none of us is perfect, but we can work to not send dysfunctional or “conditional” messages about love to our children.
Also: Do You Treat Children Differently Because of Birth Order?
What Can We Do With Disappointment?