We want our children to feel remorse. For some reason, we parents tend to think if we just hear them say that they are sorry, they will feel remorse and be less likely to do something in the future. Some parents even use the “say your sorry” as part of a disciplining process. When a child is able to end a time out, for example, she has to make apology to the wounded party. Inevitably, however, you are going to hear an outspoken and honest child announce, “But I’m NOT sorry I did it!” Then what?
I have been blessed with some of those brutally honest kids. Of course, we want them to understand WHY they should feel remorse, and teach them how to make heartfelt apologies—but when they are not sorry, can we really force it? Instead of getting mad or aggravated or trying to force the rote apology, maybe we can use it as a teaching moment instead. Maybe, if we can take the time, we can help them explore why a person might feel sorry, how the other person (or people) feels, what it would feel like if it had happened to them, etc. I have found with my children as they have gotten older and truly understand remorse and amends—that sometimes they can feel sorry for “pieces” of what they have done or the decisions they have made if not the whole thing.
For example, if a child lies to mom or dad in order to do something he really wants to do and then has a great time, but gets caught—is he sorry he had a good time? Is he sorry that he told a lie or broke a rule? He might not be sorry that he actually did the act, but he can be taught to understand how his choices affected other people—mom and dad might have worried, he might have betrayed a trust and caused doubt and mistrust, etc. Then, he might feel remorse, without just saying “I’m sorry” and not really feeling it.
Also: Saying “I’m Sorry”