“I’m not you!” Why did those words sting a bit? It felt like my teen daughter was trying to let me know that she had no desire to be me…as if maybe there was something wrong with that?
The reality is that my daughter wanted me to stop judging her. And she was right. She isn’t me.
This was part of a painful conversation that we had several months ago, in the midst of what I can only call a tsunami of problems. Suddenly that close relationship we had was being rocked. And part of the problem was the fact that I was doing what she said, judging her.
Thankfully since that time the storm has settled and we were able to not just go back to where we were. But our relationship actually grew closer.
Those were some intense times but a lot of lessons learned along the way. And the fact that I was judging her was definitely one of them.
I don’t think we always realize when we are doing this. We think we are “correcting” our teens or we are just trying to show them a “better” way. But what that says to them is, “You don’t like me for who I am.”
Lesson: Put aside your judgment and stop judging your teen for being who they are.
Now here’s a funny twist to the story. Just last week my daughter and I were in the kitchen goofing off. My husband came in and after some playful exchanges; my daughter turned to me and said, “My friends are right. I am like you.”
At that moment I didn’t think back to the time she made it very clear to me that she wasn’t like me. It only struck me a few days later.
Guess what? She’s actually right. As she gets older, I see more and more of me in her. I wish I could say it was all the good stuff but there are some of those not-so-pleasant quirks as well.
All I know is that it came out of her mouth. And I think she finally feels safe to be who she is. No more judging from this mom.
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