Our adopted children occasionally struggle with feeling secure with their new family. Some of the behaviors are obvious and expected, while others are not.
Tommy came to our home from a brief stay in a foster home which had followed a stay in an inner city shelter. He was 30 months old. He was prone to throwing rages. Many of them were triggered by insecurity issues.
Tommy would become hysterical when either of us left the house. It was even triggered when he heard one of us discussing running an errand. The mere sight of a suitcase or a packed box would have the same result.
Early in my career, our family had to move a number of times due to job transfers. Moving was a difficult issue for our birth children, as well as my wife. All children like for things to be predictable and stable. But it was a much larger issue for our adopted children when they came into our home because they had never known any stability.
Tommy not only worried when one of us left the house, he was also very concerned when we had to leave him somewhere. For instance, when we went to church, we left him in the church nursery. After a few months, the surroundings were familiar enough that he did not cry when he was left there. But, he would ask at least twice if we were coming back to get him. Six months later, he still would ask us to assure him that we would return.
Walter celebrated his eighth birthday in October. We planned to surprise him with a night out in a hotel with me. He and I were going to play laser tag, video games and stay up late. We wanted to sneak Walter out of the house so that the other boys would not get upset because they were not going. Nancy told him that I was waiting in the car to take him somewhere. At this point, he had lived with us for three and a half years and been adopted for almost two years. Yet, he asked her if he was still going to be able to live in our house.
This morning, he seemed really agitated. I spent some time with him to see what the problem was. He finally said that he is afraid of being moved again and that he is still angry about the three times he had to move. Of course, I assured him that Nancy and I are his parents and that we will never leave him.
Some day, the hole in his heart will be closed for good. I hope and pray that it happens soon.
Related Blog:
Helping a Traumatized Child Build A Sense of Security and Safety