In July, 2004, we found out that the birth mother of our four boys had given birth to yet another boy. I will write on that event soon. I want to now focus on a detail of what happened.
We quickly informed the state authorities that we wanted him. As we were making arrangements to pick him up, they described him as a beautiful child that was definitely African American. The boys are racially mixed; four of our five boys have African American ancestry. They all are various shades of brown, but only one clearly has the typical features of his race. He tends to be a little insecure about being a little different than everyone else.
The boys were excited about another baby brother coming to live with us. To encourage Walter, we emphasized on several occasions that the new baby was going to look just like him. That seemed to please him. That summer, a young lady, an adoptee herself, was living with us and helping out with the boys. He secretly asked her if she thought that we would still keep him since we were getting a baby that was just like him.
We had been telling him those things to build him up. Instead, we had accidentally fed his insecurities. He had lived with us for over a year and adoption day was near. But, he was still not confident that his new family was for real.
I told this story to a psychologist that we use. He said that it was not unusual for him to feel this way and he related an example from his experience. He knew of a family that had adopted a son 25 years ago. Everything went well; he grew up, graduated from high school, and served in the military on foreign soil. After receiving his honorable discharge, he was happy to be home.
The young man sat down with his parents one night and asked them to confirm that they had adopted him, that they loved him, and that he would always be their son. He was now a grown man who had thus far lived a happy life. Yet, he still wondered about his family.
Two years later, Walter occasionally says things that indicate that he is still wondering about this thing that happened that made us a family. My wife and I can not fix that feeling; how I wish that we could. What we can do is love him. We will never doubt that he became a part of the family that we established. We will never doubt that he is our son.
Related Blogs:
Insecurity in Adopted Children
Helping a Traumatized Child Build A Sense of Security and Safety