One of the issues that come up for single parents who begin dating is when and how to integrate a new adult person into established family rituals and activities. It is seldom just a simple matter of having someone come along or join in. There might be some resentment and annoyance on the part of the child or children, you may wonder if rituals will be changed or ruined by adding a new person, and there might also be concern as to whether it is appropriate or not.
I think that this can be such a touchy and tough subject for single parents and their families who are dating and/or seeing someone new. We want to try to integrate this new special person, but it takes care and tact to try to minimize the pain, heartache and stress. Many of us have learned the hard way that integrating too soon or involving a new person in established family rituals can have both its good and its bad points. We need to be able to share birthdays, holidays, and other family bonding experiences if we are to see if a date or significant other is going to be able to mesh and blend, but we also naturally want to protect our family traditions.
It might help to set your mind at ease when I share with you that I have learned that the family rituals can and do survive the addition of a new person. If the relationship should end, you will still have the rituals and family traditions—most of us find that our family rituals are strong enough to survive all sorts of changes, additions and subtractions. Additionally, your child or children might have some resentment about you including someone new, but as long as you have waited an appropriate length of time (you probably wouldn’t want to include a first or second date in a family birthday party), it is perfectly reasonable to include someone you are serious about. If it is the child’s event, however, I suggest making sure that it is okay with the child to include your date/boyfriend/girlfriend. With my own children, I have not invited someone I was seeing to any school events, programs, or performances without their approval. In fact, most of the time we waited for the invitation to come FROM the child. I think it also depends on the age of the child as to how to go about integrating a new person—adolescents might be more reluctant to include a newcomer, while those who are younger and older teenagers (17, 18 and older) might be more likely to be open and inclusive.
I have also learned that it is important to keep expectations low and not try to force things. It helps to create a “new” position for the new person instead of expecting them to step in and take someone else’s role in the ritual. For example, if your former spouse filled a certain role in a family tradition or ritual, having the person you are dating assume that role early in the relationship could cause hostility and resentment—instead, come up with a new role or way for them to participate that is unique to them.
Take it slow, and include plenty of conversations and group brainstorming about the best way to expand your family rituals to include someone new. I think this can be an opportunity for single parent families to learn how to welcome and include new people and give us the insight for how to welcome our children’s future friends and partners into family rituals and traditions too.
Also: Dating–Finding Someone who “Gets It”
Dating When You Both Have Kids–Part One