So you and your spouse have decided to work with a counselor to try and sort out some problems. Your problems may include:
· Financial issues (e.g. compulsive spending)
· Emotional issues (e.g. trust)
· Physical Dysfunction (e.g. sexual intimacy)
· Communication issues (e.g. frequent arguments)
The type of problems may have similarities in their expression in your marriage, but your reasons for seeking out a marriage counselor are your own. At least until you’ve sat down and talked to the marriage counselor. When it comes to choosing a marriage counselor, you need to be able to talk to this person – and if only one of you is comfortable with he or she then they may or may not be the marriage counselor for your marriage.
Marriage Counseling is for Both of You
That’s right, the marriage counseling is for both of you. It’s important to recognize during your interview with the marriage counselor that your marriage is in and of itself an organic entity unto itself. That organic entity is comprised of two components. Those components are you and your spouse. The marriage counselor needs to be able to talk to both components in order treat the organic entity that is the marriage.
So how do you do this?
You start by having a sit down conversation with the therapist or counselor. Many counselors will offer a reasonable consultation and in some cases, a free consultation for the first hour meeting. You get a feel for the therapist and they get a feel for you. You need to read their materials and know what their educational background. You also want to know what their specialties are. For example, are they a Gottman Institute certified therapist?
But there is more to this than just what their educational background is. You need to know what their personality is like. Their age and gender are also going to play a factor into this. A couple in their thirties may have trouble relating to a therapist in their late 50s and 60s, but that’s a generality. Another thing worth mentioning here – if your marriage counselor is not married themselves – then what is their own marriage experience.
Now before you wonder can a teacher teach if they aren’t that good at grammar? Yes, they can. You don’t have to be perfect at something to teach about it. I can write, but I’m not sure that I can teach others to write well. I have a great love for history and I know I can teach that well. So if a therapist isn’t married, but they have a great love for interpersonal relationships – they may very well be exactly what you need.
It May Take More Than One Counselor
Don’t be afraid of caution. You may see a therapist or counselor for a month or two and discover that they aren’t what you expected or needed. Trust is something that you are not going to have overnight with your therapist, after all – if trust issues are plaguing your marriage, how can you be expected to trust a total stranger?
If you end up visiting multiple counselors for consultation before settling on one that works for both of you; then do it. Don’t settle. Making the step into therapy for your marriage shows that you both want to work on it, that you both want it to work – so give it the chance and the purpose you both need. Find the counselor that works for both of you so that ultimately it is your relationship that benefits – and isn’t that the reason you went to look for a therapist to begin with?
Related Articles:
Can Therapy Hurt Your Marriage?
10 Signs That Indicate Your Marriage May Need Therapy
Warning Signs of a Subjective Marriage Counselor