US adoptions often have a “Transition” period built in when children are moved from a foster home to an adoptive one. The ideal is to have the adoptive parents visit the child in his/her familiar space, for the foster parents to greet the adoptive parents so the child sees that foster mother is comfortable with them therefore they can probably be trusted, then have the foster parent begin a caregiving task such as giving a bottle or a bath then having the adoptive parent finish it. This gives the child “permission” to accept nurturing from the adoptive parents. There are usually also day visits and perhaps an overnight stay before the child goes with the adoptive parents for good.
In international adoptions this is not always possible. Still, knowing the ideal can help you be creative about coming as close as you can. Luckily, we were able to visit our daughter in Korea twice before bringing her home, and her foster mother did have me feed her and give her a bottle.
Our first meeting with our child was at the adoption agency. I entered the office where we waited for the social worker. I immediately recognized my daughter and her foster mother standing there also waiting, from the video we had been sent. I greeted the foster mother in Korean, which was all I could say. We smiled. I tried not to make direct eye contact with my daughter at first, though in truth I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. She was nearly a year old and had very alert, wise-looking eyes.
The social worker led us to a room with a play mat. I got down on the mat near the baby, but not too close. I held out a toy to her and smiled. I tried to converse with the social worker so I wouldn’t overwhelm the baby (though of course I can’t remember anything we talked about; my real attention was all on my daughter!)
At one point she lay calmly in my arms. The foster mother then made an involuntary exclamation and took her back. She later really tried to have the child go to us; I really think it was just an involuntary response when she relaxed her conscious effort to let go.
My husband and I, familiar with the stranger anxiety of kids near the end of their first year, were trying very hard not to overwhelm the baby. Afterwards I was really worried that to the agency staff I’d appeared cold next to the emotional responses described by other adoptive parents.
It felt like the agency was being protective of our foster family’s last few days with the baby who’d been with them for months, and we didn’t push it. We had the weekend free for sightseeing while she stayed with her foster mother. On Monday we were invited to the foster mother’s home. She showed us where the baby slept. She served us a beautiful tea of fruits and rice cakes and let me feed the baby bits of orange and cheese. She started the baby on a bottle and had me finish.
Ideally I would have spent much more time with her. We saw her Friday at the agency and Monday at her home. Before the journey home Wednesday morning, there was a prayer service and the agency staff took her from the foster mother and placed her in my arms. Then that was it. But still, it worked pretty well.
In some countries parents take custody of the child early on, bringing them to court appointments and embassy appointments. We didn’t have to do any of that in Korea and could just relax. I do know some families who got their babies the night before they traveled home from Korea, feeling that the child could get to know them before being on a plane with them. At first I wished we could, but upon reflection I would have felt self-conscious having her in my room at the agency guesthouse with the staff on the next floor. I worried they’d think I was incompetent if she cried, as of course she would. I also wanted to be rested for the ride home. (The others on the plane, however, might have wished she’d cried with me the whole night before and slept on the plane!)
Please see these related blogs:
Adoption Transitions #5 When Travel is Required.
Traveling to Our Daughter, Part Two
Adoption Transitions #9 Toddler Adoption