Mothers to be often complain that their husband or partner isn’t involved in the pregnancy. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the baby or isn’t looking forward to being a father. Sometimes men feel disconnected to the pregnancy, the baby and even to you. You are experiencing the changes on a daily basis and feeling the baby inside you. Sometimes the whole thing just doesn’t seem real to fathers to be.
To help him feel connected to the pregnancy, get him involved. Get him a book written for expectant dads. He may not be interested in reading your books, but one written for men may interest him. Taking a childbirth class together is another good way for him to learn about pregnancy and feel like he is an important part of the process.
Talk to him about your feelings and the changes you are experiencing. Share how you feel physically and emotionally. Talk to each other about your hopes, feelings and fears about the future. Sharing feelings and open communication are good for a marriage. Talk about labor, read about it together and discuss his role. Learn together and discuss procedures you want to avoid and other issues surrounding the birth of your child. Write a birth plan together, so you are both on the same page when it comes time for the big day. Doing this can help the whole process seem more concrete to him.
My husband and I took a parenting seminar when I was pregnant with our first child. The psychologist that ran the seminar spoke at one of our Lamaze classes about parenting. I thought it would be a great idea; my husband thought I was nuts, since we didn’t even have a baby yet. We went and it was a great experience. We began to talk about how we wanted to raise our children. It helped us clarify and discuss the ideas and beliefs we had about raising children and helped us feel more connected to each other as parents.
Invite your partner to all your prenatal visits. If he can’t make them all, have him come to certain key visits. These would include the first time you will hear the heartbeat and ultrasound. Hearing his child’s heartbeat for the first time and seeing the baby on the screen help make the whole thing feel more real for mothers. The same is true for fathers. When you feel the baby kick, tell him. Show him where you felt the movement and let him feel too.
Go shopping together for your baby. Let him help you choose the decor for the nursery or even the first outfit the baby will wear home from the hospital or birthing center. Often, we do this without our husbands and then wonder why they don’t feel connected. My husband had a great time with the scanner when we registered for my baby shower during my first pregnancy. I really thought he wouldn’t care what the baby’s room looked like or what she wore, but he liked being included.
Couples showers are becoming more popular. Rather than the traditional woman only shower with the corny games, couples are invited. He will feel more a part of things. Sometimes the men congregate in another room together. This is good too. He will get the benefit of talking to other fathers about newborns and fatherhood. Feeling connected to other dads is a good way to help him visualize his role as a father.