Recently I was talking to a group of 12 and 13 year old girls who were telling me how some of them “go out” with guys. To them it isn’t a big deal. A guy likes a girl and asks her to “go with him.” If the girl likes the guy she says yes. Then they are “going out.”
Curious I asked them what couples did when they were going out. According to them couples who are “going out” usually eat lunch together, talk on the phone, hang out at home or other places, and engage in hand holding and kissing. Although the group of girls I was talking to me ensured me that they didn’t hold hands or kiss but admitted that many couples that were “going out” did. Couples who are “going out” often give each other presents on birthdays, Christmas, Valentines, and events like one-month anniversaries. One of the girls had a stuffed bear that she slept with every night that the guy she was “going out” with gave her. After a while the couples eventually break up. Sometimes after a week but some relationships last a few months or even longer. Often one of the two will have hurt feelings after breaking up.
I also asked the girls if you were “going out” if you could go out with a different guy at the same time. The girls were horrified I would even suggest such a thing. Telling me “No way. That would be cheating.” At all times during the conversation they were careful to not say boyfriend or girlfriend and protested when I suggested that what they were doing was actually dating. Since most of these girls are not allowed to date until age 16 and having a boyfriend would be inappropriate. Yet neither they nor their parents seem to feel that “going out” is dating.
So how is “going out” different than dating? Call me old-fashioned but I don’t think it is. To me when two people are dating they call each other, spend time with each other, give each other gifts, and hold hands and kiss. It would also be considered cheating to date another person while you are in the relationship. Eventually when the couple breaks up one of them will usually have hurt feelings. According to the girls I talked to dating couples do the same things as young teens do when they are “going out.” Yet the girls did not think this and many of them have parents that encourage the “going out” relationship.
Recently I was talking to a friend whose niece began “going out” with a guy when she was 14. Technically she wasn’t allowed to date until she was 16, but “going out” was different. Her mom thought it was sweet and cute that a guy liked her daughter. The guy was invited to family events. She helped her daughter pick out gifts to give the guy and generally encouraged the relationship. Two years later at age 16, the age the niece was originally supposed to start dating, she is pregnant and facing the decision of whether to get married or give the child up for adoption. A consequence that the girl’s mother never imagined when she encouraged her daughter to “go out”.
A few of the girls, I originally talked to, did not “go out” with guys and did not consider it appropriate. They realized that “going out” was to much like dating. Something that they and their parents had decided was an activity that should wait until they were 16 and more mature. They were confident in themselves, involved in other activities, and did have friends that were guys. They also admitted to having guys that they liked but believed that they should wait to date and “go out”. They realize that their goal in life should not be to have a boyfriend or girlfriend but to have friends of both sexes. They also realize that they are not prepared to handle the emotional and physical pressures that early dating creates.
How do you feel about your young teenager “going out”?
Check out these related blogs:
When Should My Child Start Dating?
Is Johnny Too Young For A Girlfriend?
Teen Dating Violence: A Serious Problem