I know that I am not alone in that I was brought up with the social rule: “If you can’t say something nice, then do not say anything at all.” As a single parent, we have also been told that we should not share our negative opinions of the child’s other parent with the child. We are supposed to say only positive things about the other parent. But, what if we just can’t? Is it better to not say anything at all?
Some experts would say “Yes.” It IS better to say as little as possible, or nothing at all about the other parent than to say nasty and negative things in the presence of your child. This may feel somewhat phony or stilted, but staying neutral can be better overall for your child than if she hears a lot of negative stuff about the other parent (even if you believe in your heart of hearts that every single word is absolutely true.)
I am not advocating secrecy and I am not talking about whether or not to tell our children about the very existence of the other parent—that is an entirely different situation. But, in instances when the pain is too fresh, or we really cannot come up with anything positive or pleasant to say about the other parent (or step-parent, grandparents, etc.) for that matter, silence is probably best. We may find that as time passes, we are able to let go of some of the old hurts and can be more positive around our child. Until then, however, saying nothing or keeping it to the bare minimum will at least keep us from saying hateful things that we will either regret, or will come back to haunt us (and not be helpful for our child either!)
Also: Can Your Kids Learn to Respect You When Your Ex Doesn’t?
When a Divorced Mom and Dad Don’t Agree on Parenting Issues