One of the hardest things about adoption is the wait that is involved. We’ve been waiting almost a year now to bring a child home. Often, in an effort to help, I have had people comment “Well, it takes 9 months for a pregnancy”. That statement always rubs me the wrong way, even though I know that the person means well. I heard the comment again last week and it got me thinking – is the adoption wait really like a pregnancy? Do adoptive parents really not have the right to complain about a wait because they would have waited a similar amount of time for a biological child?
There are those who may disagree with me, but my opinion is that the adoption wait is nothing like a pregnancy. Certainly in both situations you are waiting for a child and it is a time of preparation either way. However, that is where the similarities end.
First of all, a pregnancy has a set timeframe. Give or take a few weeks, you know when your baby will arrive. Adoption is much different. You have no set timeframe. There are ballpark timeframes, but they are not guaranteed. Because of this, the wait is so much harder. I don’t mean to say that pregnancy does not have it’s challenges, but at least you know when it will end.
Secondly, during a pregnancy, you are with your baby. While your child is growing and developing you aren’t missing anything. I am “pregnant” right now in that I am expecting two children through adoption, but I am not with my children. They are both being raised by other people. Someone else feeds them and meets their needs. Someone else dries their tears. Someone else is witnessing the milestones that are so dear to my heart. Until our adoptions are completed, I will not know firsthand the joys that come from being a parent. Those who are pregnant are able to be with their children from the start.
This post may come across as though I am angry or I somehow begrudge those who are pregnant. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I am always excited to hear that a friend is pregnant and I look forward with them to the day that their child is born. What I am trying to point out with this post is that waiting for a child through adoption is very different from waiting for a child by birth. As an adoptive parent, it is important to me that people acknowledge this and not try to compare the two.
Of course, there is one wonderful thing that is exactly the same whether you are pregnant or adopting. Some day the wait will end and the child you hold in your arms will be more than worth any challenges encountered along the way.