Setting limits for our children, especially children with behavioral difficulties, is extremely important. Yet it’s easier said than done. We often reach a point of desperation (“I’ll do ANYTHING to make the irritating behaviors stop”) and so we give in. But this is counter-productive. Setting limits for your son or daughter provides structure, which ultimately makes your child feel safe. Despite what they say with a sniffle and a whine, children crave structure and routine. When there’s chaos in their world, it’s hard to claim any sense of control. And that’s stressful, which creates more chaos.
Here are three of your child’s “worlds” which need limits:
VIDEO WORLD. Welcome to the land of television, computers, video games, and hand-held devices. Has your son or daughter been sucked into the limitless void of glowing-screen hyperspace? Does the television come on right when she walks in the door, and video games reign until bedtime? In our house, once the T.V. goes on, everyone goes into zombie mode. Time disappears. Eyes become glassy. Telephones are ignored. People forget their own names. Puddles of drool form on the carpet. Anything mom says is sucked into a black hole for eternity.
How to set limits: Let video game time or television time be earned. Set up a point system, where one point equals ten minutes of tube time. Finishing homework, doing chores, physical exercise, good behavior, and other choices can earn points to be used for video time. Homework should certainly be finished before the television gets turned on. Take the stance that television and video games are a privilege, not a right.
You could also designate certain days when video games are off-limits altogether, so your child is forced to do something else. This works well as long as other moms in the neighborhood are on the same day plan. At first, my kids quickly escaped their off-limits video game days by running over to friends’ houses to play their games. After a few phone calls, us moms got on the same track. Suddenly all the kids in the neighborhood had the same weekdays where video games were off-limits. They were now forced (sob) to play ball and other outdoor games together. Soon they looked forward to their neighborhood activities, and stopped asking about the video games so often.
MATERIAL WORLD. (Isn’t that a song by…ahem…never mind.) Does your son or daughter scream, whine, and wail for candy, toys, clothes, or any silly gadget hanging by the check-out register? Do you shrug your shoulders and buy the thing, only to find it later on the floor of the car? Is your child’s room so full of toys that you can barely walk or find the space for new ones? Have you set up a virtual Disneyland in your kid’s backyard? Does your daughter have so many dresses, you need to catalog them?
How to set limits: It’s time to put a new word in your vocabulary. “NO.” There. See how easy that was? I know, I know, it’s not so easy to say when your kid is screaming bloody murder in a public place. But if you give in, you’re feeding your child’s inner-beast. And then he only gets more fierce, and more ferocious. In fact, the more whiny and demanding your child is, the more you MUST say “no.” There’s a concept in our government which is: “you never negotiate with terrorists.” If your child is creating terror, there should be no negotiating, period. Don’t even consider such requests unless they’re phrased politely, without tears or whines. And even then, you shouldn’t say yes every time.
The trouble with giving your kid everything he asks for is that it sets him up for disappointment and failure as an adult. Needless to say, none of us are able to whine and get a Ferrari in our driveway, or stamp our feet and get a new house. These things take work, planning, and sacrifice. And very few of us can afford to have and maintain all the things we want. How is your child going to function as a responsible adult in society, if she has learned that she can get most anything she wants by pleading for it? That’s not reality in our adult world. Saying “no,” is setting up realistic structure and limits that your child needs.
BEHAVIOR WORLD: Impulse control is often a problem for children with different kinds of developmental delays or learning disabilities. This is why it’s even more important for YOU to set behavioral boundaries and make them very clear. Allowing your child to get away with cruelty to other kids, rudeness, defiance, and loudness will prevent him or her from being in control later on. And it’s unlikely for children to maintain lasting friendships when they can’t behave in socially appropriate ways.
How to set limits: Start by teaching a clear difference between indoor and outdoor behavior. Yelling, screaming, running, throwing things, etc., should never be permitted in the house. Create a poster with simple illustrations showing indoor and outdoor behavior examples. When your child breaks an “indoor behavior” rule, he must spend some time outside. Teach your child to use manners, keep hands to herself, and to take turns. Depending on your child’s ability to understand, write down rules in simple terms and talk about them. When a rule is broken, have your child spend time sitting on the naughty stool or in “time out.” Teach appropriate social behaviors with social stories, or set up play dates with kids who are well-behaved, to serve as role models.
By creating appropriate limits for your child, you are actually giving him or her freedom–freedom from overwhelming, stressful chaos, where impulses rule. A child who has learned he can’t have everything, who knows he must use his time wisely, and who understands he must behave reasonably is on the path to a brighter future.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.