Not very far from here is a couple that I see every day. Every evening they run past the house as they are out for their evening jog, often they are racing each other. I see them at the swimming pool and I listen to them compare everything from who makes more in a given week to who makes a better Chicken Marsala. (Don’t ask me, I’ve never tried it).
They argue, wrangle or negotiate over everything. She spends more time with the kids so he cuts back his work hours to spend at least as much time as she does. She only devotes an hour a day to household chores, so he won’t spend more than the same number of hours over the week. When she mows the lawn, he complains that the rows aren’t straight and that it takes her a lot longer than it does him. At first, I found the interaction amusing, but lately – it’s taken a harsher tone.
Summer Vacation
In some marriages, the competition seems to outweigh the companionship factor. It’s about who does it better, not how much they enjoy themselves. I remember, a friend commented to me years ago, that didn’t I get tired of the constant competition with my own husband. I had no idea what she was talking about. When I looked at her askance, she said:
He’s always trying to one up you. You tell a story, he tells one that’s bigger or bolder or more adventurous – he’s always got something that’s better or funnier or bigger – don’t you get tired of the competition?
Since that was the only area we ever really competed (outside of games and trust me, we’re fierce competitors in games) I really didn’t see it as a competition in every aspect of our lives. For nearly two years, I made more money than my husband did. He responded in an interesting manner. For about six months, he was really tetchy and irritated, when the subject finally came up and we hashed it out between us, he admitted that it rubbed him wrong that I made more money.
Why?
Because he felt like he should be the provider. He didn’t want me to have to work unless I wanted to. The idea that we were more dependent on my income than his grated on his pride; the interesting thing was, once he admitted it – the irritation and struggle with my income versus his seemed to evaporate. Today, he is the first to stand up and say I’m better at something and usually, I’m the one tooting his horn.
Companionship versus Competition
We’re each other’s biggest fans. He’s a great cook, he prepares most fish dishes far better than I can. Yet I’m better at other dishes. We each have our specialties and our talents. We acknowledge that. But we’re not competing for the best of title. We are more about the companionship than the competition.
Competition can be healthy, but when everything in your marriage is a competition, it can grind your marriage down under a weight of bitter and very petty rivalries. If you think you and your husband are competing too much in your marriage, try swapping who you are lauding. When you promote your partner, you may find it encourages them to do the same and it can help turn your competition into a meeting of a mutual fan club.
Do you and your spouse compete too much?
Related Articles:
Are You Good or Are You Great?
Working Together: Joint Accomplishments Inspire Closeness
Marriage Tips: Reframe Your Thinking