As a parent, it is tough NOT to focus on what our children do—their activities, their behaviors, their grades—all of those outward and external elements that the world and society tend to judge people on. Our children need us to see beyond all of those externally validating and measurement tools, however, and love and appreciate for them for who they are—not what they do…
It can seem like a parenting paradox—we are expected to hone in and try to shape our children’s behaviors; we want them to do well in school and get involved in extra-curricular activities because it is good for them and it will help them on their road to adulthood. BUT, we also need to keep from getting focused on these outward activities and keep our love and attention on the core human being. This is what unconditional love and support are all about. It can be hard for a parent to discern when we need to be working on shaping behaviors and how to separate our child from his or her behaviors (or grades, sports performance, dance steps, etc.) and appreciate him or her completely just for being who they are.
Over the years, it has helped me to remind myself that my children are not their grades, report cards, or even “incident reports.” They are not goals scored in a soccer game, or the inning-ending catch they make at second base—all of those activities are like clothes they wear and while they may be part of their lives and help shape their self-confidence, self-image and self-esteem—my job as a parent is to love and support them as if none of that stuff matters. This does not mean that I am advocating letting go of limits and logical consequences—but as parents our love and support should not be tied to behavior anyway!
Also: Privileges and Consequences–Connect Them to the “Real World”
Let’s Get Down to the Bottom of This