We all want what’s very best for our kids—we want them to grow and develop and experience life to the fullest. BUT, sometimes our own values about what that means might clash with our child’s temperament. We may think that an active social life is best while our child prefers to be alone or in one-on-one relationships. We might actually worry that if our child is too much of a loner, there are (or will be) big problems. It can go the other way too and a shyer, quiet parent might have a real hard time with a child who wants to be socially busy all the time. Finding a balance and figuring how best to parent both joiners and loners can be a big challenge for parents.
I confess I was a big joiner when I was growing up. My life was full of clubs and activities and obligations. I’ve mellowed a bit with age, but I still tend to see that as a great way to be (of course, the ego can be so incredibly powerful!) My own children have been much more selective. As a matter of fact, they have all three gone through periods of shunning activities and being quite choosy about who they spend their time with. I had to learn that this was okay, even if it didn’t fit my idea of what made for a fulfilling childhood.
I think like most things—too much of any one side can be unhealthy. The goal is to strive for balance with our kids. If they have some good friends and some interests, it doesn’t have to be in huge quantity. However, someone like me who thrives on staying busy and involved needs support and encouragement too. But too much manic activity, and too much alone time should send up some red flags to parents. As with many things in parenting, the challenge comes in trying to trust our instincts while reigning in our own belief systems in order to do what’s best for our child—regardless of whether she is more of a joiner or a loner!
See Also: How Much of This is Personality? and When You and Your Child’s Temperament DON’T Match