I think that one of the places parents can get confused is when it comes to discerning the difference between automatic “rights” and entitlements that our children must have and privileges–those things that are granted or awarded based on behavior or trust. Even if activities or things are good for the child overall, they may still be a privilege. For example, playing sports or extra-curricular activities are privileges, as is driving, playing with friends, or going to the movies. As parents, we can help our children develop character and responsibility by helping them to understand what are their natural rights and what are those things that are privileges or consequences of their own choices and behaviors.
The reason this can be so tough for parents is that we experience peer pressure too. AND, we want to be good parents and provide for our children every conceivable thing we can. It can be hard to say “no” for whatever reason and wonder what the neighbors or the other parents in our peer group might think or say. We don’t want our child to stand out as someone who doesn’t have what everyone has either. However, separating out what are the absolutes–food, love, clothing, housing, healthcare, etc. and what are the negotiable privileges (toys, extra activities, summer camp, a car, sports, etc.) can make us stronger and more clear-minded parents. Not to mention it can help our children to learn the differences as well.
I do not think there is anything wrong with a parent tying privileges to behavior. For example, if a child is not doing homework or making an effort in school, it is perfectly reasonable that he will not be allowed to participate on the baseball team or take driving lessons. While it depends on the individual child, as parents, we need to remember that privileges should be treated as such and that we do have some say over what our children are allowed to do and participate in. Ask yourself what is in the best overall interest of the child–is it better that she learn responsibility and personal character or play a season of basketball?
Also: Taking Away Privileges–Making it Work