At 16, 17 and 18, my kids are starting to come back around—not that there were terribly lost, but hanging out with Mom was not something they wanted to do there for a couple years. My youngest is still a little wary, but we did have lunch together (and then another dinner out) for the first time in a LONG time a couple weeks ago. It is absolutely normal and natural for adolescents to avoid hanging out in public or even in private with mom and/or dad, but that does not mean we should give up trying to connect.
Once I accepted the fact that my “babies” had moved full force into adolescence, I was able to detach myself a bit from their actions and comments. It took a while, but once I realized that they were not personally attacking, avoiding, or hating me—even if it seemed that way and they might even express themselves thusly—it became clearer to me that my job was to both let go and stay connected in new ways. I kept inviting them along; asking them if they wanted to go to lunch, dinner, the grocery store, etc. and eventually, they started to say “Yes” again instead of just groaning and rolling their eyes.
Don’t take it personally, and don’t stop trying to connect—those are the only words of wisdom that I have to share with parents of adolescents and teenagers. I know it can be hard and seems to fly in the face of everything we have probably learned about “healthy relationships.” After all, if anyone else was turning you down on your invitations on such a regular basis, you would just give up and move on, right? Well, with our kids, we need to stay in there and be there when they come back out on the other side. I am not talking about smothering them or trying to keep them in that dependent, baby stage—but just continue to invite them along—to lunch, the coffee shop, the library book sale, whatever. I do not think we need to plan expensive outings and vacations just to get them to spend time with us either. They WILL come back around, as long as we hang in there during the tough times.