It’s hard not to look to heredity or family history to explain the myriad of behavior issues that can come up with our kids. After all, we really WANT to have someone or something to blame so we don’t have to live with the ambiguity and the wondering of why exactly they are behaving the way they are. There is a danger, however, in letting “family issues” and family history takeover and not dealing with our children as individuals living in the here and now.
I think of those family issues like a comfy old sweater—it’s so hard not to reach for the security of it when you just need to feel better about things. But, just because great Uncle Herbert had an anger-management issue, doesn’t mean that your ten-year-old, who has mad outbursts, is destined to be just like him. Sure, there is something to heredity and all that—but it doesn’t have to be the conclusive end-all predetermination for a child. I think as parents we can introduce more problems when we rely on family history and issues to explain behavior than we actually solve.
It can be hard—we might recognize behaviors in our kids that remind us of other relatives or of behaviors in ourselves that we don’t particularly like. I think we need to beware of claiming, blaming and assigning those behaviors though because it sets the stage for children thinking that they have either been labeled or that they don’t have to move OUT of a behavior if it is just “part of their genes.” By keeping past issues and family “baggage” in perspective, we can hopefully not pass on things that we would rather not, and we can allow our children to be their own individual selves—connected to the family past, of course, but not tied down and burdened by it.
Also: Kids Need a Sense of History
Encouraging Kids to Think for Themselves