As single parents, we have to watch out that we don’t have messy boundaries with our children and tell them TOO much; being careful not to turn to our kids as we would an adult peer or partner. But, on the other side of the coin, we do have to make sure that we include them in discussions that affect the family and keep them in the loop when we are going through times of insecurity, transition and major change.
When custody arrangements change, or there are job changes on the horizon, as well as during a separation, divorce, etc.–we do need to keep our kids appropriately informed. It is the “not knowing” that can cause them a great deal of grief and insecurity. I know that for many single parents, it can be tough trying to figure out what the kids do need to know and what they don’t. It might help to ask yourself, “Is this grown-up stuff or family stuff?” For example, it is completely appropriate to tell your child that you cannot afford something because the budget is tight, however to tell them all your financial woes and rail against the missing child support or say things that cause fear and insecurity is not.
If you are considering a job offer in another city or state, it is a good idea to wait until you are fairly certain that you will take the job if you have a very young child. An older child or teenager would appreciate being part of the discussion when you start to consider the offer or a move. Once decisions have been made, it is imperative to let kids know what is going on so they can begin coping and preparing as well.
If you are in a time of flux and don’t know what is going to happen, it is alright to share that with children too. Just make sure that you stress that even though you don’t know what is going to happen, you are in charge and looking after your child’s best interests. Children need to know that we will be able to stay in control and manage things–even when we aren’t exactly sure what is going to happen next.
Also: Make Sure They Know Who Is the Boss
Let Schools and Others Know When Things Change
Expect to Start Over Every School Year