You knew what you were getting into when you took your vows. The nuptials
told the entire story. Your marriage will have to endure sickness and health, wealth and poverty, and you promised to stay together through it all, for better or for worse.
When the worse, poverty and sickness strike, and at least sickness will at some point, the secret to getting through the tough times is truly not a secret at all; it’s about keeping your sense of humor and remembering the reasons you got together in the first place. It was about love, remember?
The problems are real, and although it’s unwise to minimize serious illness or devastating financial blows, taking these situations so seriously that you become destructive in your marriage is also unwise.
Humor can diffuse a potentially volatile situation. It’s a fact. Humor can minimize the physical tension in an argument, when we smile; we automatically physically relax a little, and almost immediately the problem takes on a different perspective. We aren’t so quick to be defensive or stubborn in our actions, or cruel with our words. Remember that once it’s said, even though you take it back, its hard for the other person to forget, even if they do forgive.
Most importantly, humor allows you to reconnect with your spouse during a
conflict, and if the two of you can get back to tackling the problem as a team, you’re on the right track.
So what is humor and how do you use it? It’s not sarcasm, that is just demeaning. It’s not stopping in the middle of an argument to tell the joke-nine times out of ten that will be taken the wrong way. It’s the everyday little humor gestures that keep the discussions from escalating in the first place. If you kid around so much that your partner believes that you won’t take anything seriously, that can be damaging as well.
It’s about creating a balance:
When you are asked how your day was, try to think of the funny things that happened. A good lead in for this is to ask your spouse “what was the best part about your day?”, not just “How was your day?” Being specific allows the spouse to continue the conversation, instead of just saying ”It was okay.” And don’t laugh at them, laugh at yourself. Turning a tough discussion to how it affects you is a better opening for a solution oriented discussion rather than just sounding like you are badgering them.
While you’re still working on how to incorporate humor into your relationship, its best to stay focused on yourself as the “but” of your jokes. Another thought is to watch comedians together, or read a humorists book out loud to each other. That way you can both laugh and know that the humor is not directed at either one of you. Comedians often use marriage as the punch line to their humor, but some can be crass, so pick a comedian who you both like and know will not offend.