Many of us parents start the process of teaching our children how to say they are “sorry” from a rather early age. Teaching, coaching and modeling how to apologize for misdeeds and mishaps can be challenging enough, teaching our children how to actually make amends for things they have done can be a developmental task that takes more time and effort.
As children get older, it is important that they learn that sometimes it just isn’t enough to “say they are sorry.” Some deeds–like those where they have hurt another person or committed a crime–require that children learn how to face consequences and make amends. I think that it isn’t always an easy concept for kids to grasp and there is some developmental realities to a child being able to truly feel sorry and be able to tackle the shame and discomfort that comes with trying to make things right.
Parents can help by modeling their own struggles with mistakes and making amends, but they can also take the time to “bring a child along” to prepare him or her for being able to not only apologize, but make amends for something done wrong. Suggesting ways to make amends–replacing broken items, making restitution, offering to help with a task or repair something are reasonable things that a child can learn to do in order to make amends. The toughest hurdle for kids, even older teenagers, can be to get past their own shame and embarrassment that can come once they realize they have, in fact done something truly wrong or hurt someone. Working through this uncomfortable feeling may be necessary before they can face the person they have wronged and make the efforts necessary to try to “fix” a mishap or mistake. This is where an attentive and encouraging parent can really be important. Sticking with the process and not letting the child off the hook guides him or her to being able to take the next steps and learn to make amends.
But, like so many aspects of parenting, we have to practice what we preach if we are to truly guide our children into taking this important character-development step!
See Also: Doing Everything as Though Your Child Was Watching